More and more, I’m seeing bright, capable children struggle once the scaffolding of tutoring disappears. This article explores why that happens — and how we can support not just academic achievement, but long-term emotional resilience.
I made this pencil topper for my daughter when she was sitting her big exams for the first time, it has been a real calming tool. A helpful everyday gentle reminder and reframe to build a practice for revision and learning new challenging topics. We still use it to date, and I love how it instantly shifts a negative thought.
Table of contents
– The Moment That Sparked This Reflection – The Good Intentions Behind Extra Tutoring – But What Happens When the Tutoring Stops? – The Hidden Impact on Mental Health and Self-Worth – A Story That Stays With Me – What Children Really Need — Alongside Academic Support – Not All Tutors Are the Same – The Bigger Picture: Success That Lasts – A Balanced Approach for Parents and Caregivers – A Gentle Invitation |
The moment that sparked this reflection
Not long ago, I began working with a bright, thoughtful young adult who had recently started university. From the outside, their academic journey looked like a success story: years of top marks, glowing school reports, and tutoring support that helped them stay ahead. But behind the scenes they were quietly falling apart.
Without the structure of regular tutoring, they struggled to keep up. University, unlike school, demanded self-direction — the ability to plan assignments, break down tasks, and ask for help when stuck. These were skills they’d never had to practise.
They failed a few assessments. They began comparing themselves to classmates. They didn’t know how to approach professors, or how to access wellbeing support. And they kept all of it to themselves — spiraling into shame, convinced that struggling meant they were a failure.
By the time they reached me, they were at one of the lowest points in their mental health. Not because they weren’t capable — but because no one had helped them develop the tools to navigate life without constant academic scaffolding.
The Good Intentions Behind Extra Tutoring
Let’s begin with something important: most caring parents and committed caregivers mean well.
The decision to invest in long-term tutoring — particularly outside of school — often comes from a place of deep care. Parents want their children to feel confident, stay competitive, and gain access to the best opportunities available. In a world where school placements and exam results feel like make-or-break moments, tutoring feels like a sensible (and sometimes necessary) step.
And many tutors do incredible work. I’ve met educators who not only improve a child’s grades — taking them from a C to a B or higher — but also build confidence, ignite curiosity, and equip children with tools to learn independently. These tutors are true allies in a child’s journey.
So this isn’t a criticism of the devoted parents, tutors, or educators who want to see children succeed. It’s an invitation to look at what can be missed when academic outcomes become the only focus, and emotional wellbeing in education takes a back seat.
But What Happens When the Tutoring Stops?
Here’s what I’ve witnessed over and over again in my work with teens and young adults:
When long-term academic support ends — whether because of university, financial changes, or a shift in life circumstances — many high-achieving students feel unprepared to carry their learning forward alone.
They might know how to memorise, but not how to understand. They might be used to being reminded, but not how to plan ahead. They’ve had answers given, but haven’t practised asking the right questions.
And the problem isn’t intelligence. It’s that the systems around them have unintentionally skipped over crucial skills — like how to build a study plan, manage their emotions under pressure, or reach out for help without shame.
When these skills are missing, the collapse isn’t just academic — it’s emotional.
The Hidden Impact on Mental Health and Self-Worth
And because many haven’t been shown how to process overwhelm or failure, the result is often silence. They don’t speak up. They don’t tell anyone they’re struggling. And slowly, their sense of worth begins to erode.
They may start to believe:
High-performing students with years of extra academic tutoring often internalise a quiet belief:
” I’m only doing well because someone is helping me. When that help disappears, they don’t just feel unsupported — they feel unsafe.”
“Maybe I was never really smart — just well supported.”
“If I can’t do this alone, something is wrong with me.”
“Everyone else seems fine — I must be the only one who can’t cope.”
This is especially true in high-pressure environments like university, where emotional wellbeing is often assumed rather than nurtured.
A Story That Stays With Me
The young adult I mentioned earlier is now in their third year of university. But the journey from collapse to recovery didn’t happen overnight.
We began with simple steps:
- Creating a clear, manageable study calendar
- Practising how to break down large assignments into small, doable tasks
- Building language for where they felt stuck
- Learning how to access on-campus counselling and wellbeing support
- Reconnecting with their own strengths — beyond grades
Over time, they stopped seeing themselves as “behind” and started seeing themselves as in process. They learned that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. That struggling with something doesn’t mean you’re failing. That success isn’t about perfection — it’s about knowing how to keep going.
And perhaps most importantly: they now know how to care for their mental health while still showing up for their academic goals.
That shift changed everything.
What Children Really Need — Alongside Academic Support
To truly thrive in school and beyond, children need more than just information. They need:
- Learning-to-learn strategies: How to study, how to plan, how to ask questions
- Help-seeking skills: When to ask for help, and how to do it with confidence
- Emotional regulation tools: Managing pressure, comparison, and failure
- A sense of agency: Trusting themselves to navigate confusion, rather than avoid it
- Connection to purpose and strengths: Knowing what drives them — not just what scores points
And perhaps most of all: they need the message that they are enough, even when they’re not topping the class.
Not All Tutors Are the Same
It’s worth repeating: not all tutoring is created equal.
There are tutors who go beyond the syllabus — who teach children how to think critically, ask meaningful questions, and understand the material deeply. These educators help children build skills they’ll carry for life.
But in a results-driven world, it’s easy for tutoring to become outcome-only: raise the grade, pass the test, move on. The child may become a passive receiver rather than an active learner.
That’s why it’s important to ask:
Is this tutoring helping my child become more independent? Or more dependent? Are they learning how to learn — or just being coached to perform?
The answers aren’t always simple. But they matter.
The Bigger Picture: Success That Lasts
Success isn’t a school name. It’s not a score on a piece of paper. It’s a child who:
- Can fail and try again
- Can ask for help when they need it
- Can trust themselves when things get hard
- Can choose rest, not just productivity
- Can grow from pressure instead of collapsing under it
Those are the young people who not only survive university — but thrive in the complexity of real life.
A Balanced Approach for Parents and Caregivers
If you’re an education-focused parent, caregiver, or family mentor wondering how to best support your child, here are some gentle prompts to consider:
- Are we focusing only on academic results — or also on emotional readiness?
- Has my child had the chance to practise managing their own time?
- Do they know what to do when they’re confused, anxious, or stuck?
- Do they feel safe enough to tell me when something isn’t working?
Support doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. You can blend academic tutoring with emotional and practical coaching. You can ask tutors to include metacognitive strategies (how to study) and help your child reflect on how they’re learning — not just what they’re learning.
This is what long-term success is built on.
Gentle Invitation:
This piece isn’t a critique. It’s an invitation. To widen the lens. To honour the good intentions behind tutoring — and to expand what support can mean.
Because every child deserves more than grades. They deserve to feel capable. Seen. Supported — not just with academics, but with life.
And they don’t need to be the top of the class to become the leaders, creators, and compassionate humans we hope they’ll be.
If this resonates, I offer support that blends academic preparation with emotional coaching — designed for thoughtful kids who need more than just grades to thrive. You can explore Secure start framework – support for exams and school transitions.
Soumya